I got married in a pentecostal church. We had several series of pre-marital counselling before they agreed to do the joining. I wasn’t living in the city where we got wedded and that meant I had to do many road trips lasting several hours to listen to these dedicated and experienced team of marriage counsellors. Ask me today if it was worth my while, the honest truth is I’m not sure. Maybe the first session was, where they needed to establish some facts and foundations. Foundations like, beliefs and faith, health and medical related history, parental consent etc.
Looking back, I believe post-wedding counselling would have been far more appropriate and impactful. When the real marriage issues started, I didn’t remember many of the things I heard during pre-marital counselling. At the time of the counselling, I had no question, I was naive and way too arrogant to believe I could fall victim of the many pitfalls they mentioned. Much of the things said didn’t register with me and I therefore didn’t pay attention.
If I had given careful considerations to the many issues raised, I would have known not to go ahead. Like they say, the signs are always there. Most if not all pre-marital counselling sessions aren’t in place to help unequally yoked couples break up, they’re largely designed to help couples (including the ones that shouldn’t be together) figure out how to stay together. I’m sure they exist but definitely they’re not many intending couples that decided not to marry because of what they learned at pre-marital counselling.
Married couples earn a certificate on their enrolment day, even before attending their first module or writing the first marital test. This only mean that the enrolling institution need to continue to provide a structured learning environment for newly weds if they’ll succeed.
Many of the practices of the Church are good for a season and though handed down from many previous generations need updating if they will be relevant to this generation. Our practices must be adapted and tailored to reach the culture and systems of the times.
In my case, the absence of post-wedding counselling wasn’t why my marriage failed, there were fundamental incompatibility issues. Things I’ve minimised and only came to see clearly after the end of what looked like 7 years of constant turmoil. So I do not blame the church.
When a relationship fails, especially romantic relationships, we’re tempted to look for who is at fault and throw either violent daggers of blaming and shaming or passive aggression of critical glances or dismissive silence.
My friend Goke Pelemo wrote, “The notion of recognizing that two opposing sides of an argument represent two different truths, rather than a right or wrong, is essential to understand. In our efforts to constantly push for a shared value system we often impose our worldview – our “truth” – and strive to shift beliefs rather than focus on the real question of how do we work together as partners. To navigate different moral ecologies without imposing one’s own worldview is a much needed trait for all of us, not just those that lead”.
In a case where the deed has been done, one is already in a bad situation or even a good one notwithstanding, if the parties involved will stay together, realising that new terms of engagement, something agreeable to the parties is much more crutial than rules handed down by cultures and religion will help them a great deal. This is where post-wedding counselling comes in, where like a consultant, a trained counsellor or therapist hold the parties hands and help them as they define and curate their own culture codes, the ones that will guide the union.
Cultures, doctrines and dogma are what they are, man-made. You must develop yours and let them fit your purpose not someone else’s. Live free. Doing the right things starts with acknowledging that you’re who you are, a love being, then extending similar acceptance to others. Refuse to be defined by anything outside yourself. As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are, you’ve missed it already.
Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own truth. Develop and deploy your own narratives.
I will end with excerpts from Leke Alder’s published work, DIVORCE COMPENDIOUS from the Jack and Jil series.
“The problem started way, way before the marriage, from his wife’s adolescence. It has to do with her parents … She’ll hold up because she’s inoculated with hormonal revenge and adrenaline bitterness. It will keep her going for years in a state of malfunction. What started out as resentment has turned into hatred. And that’s partly because she can’t do him satisfactory harm … I predict she’ll soon go on matrimonial sabbatical, likely out of the country. He’ll be married but not married. I feel for him. He’s going to be sexually punished, and if he engages in self-help his conscience will punish him. She’s punishing him because he’s the surrogate of her dad. Whatever her dad deserves he deserves. Some people punish those who love them because of the failure of those who should have loved them …This may be politically incorrect but truth is, some divorces are deliverances! They’re salvations from death.”
Read the rest of DIVORCE COMPENDIOUS by clicking here.