I want to write about how the many things we think about and the conclusions we draw are never a true reflection of absolute realities. I’m also often a victim of my own interpretations so I’ll be writing from a place of deep understanding, experience and empathy.

I have a friend, let’s call her Amanda and a lover, let’s call her Pelagia. I also have a bromance, let’s call him Teddy. Amanda thinks I have the most amazing voice on the planet. We send messages back and forth and once in a while when I’m too tired to send a text, I’ll record and send a voicenote. Amanda and I have a wonderful platonic relationship and she will tease me about how soothing my voice is. I personally believe the same of Amanda. When she sends a voice note, I’ll have to turn my phone to the highest volume in other to hear her because she’s so soft spoken.

In my heart of heart, I know Amanda is right but not in absolute terms. She thinks my voice is calm and soothing only because she sees that side of me that speaks calmly and nicely. She’s never seen me angry or afraid or worse in pain. So yes, my stern and maybe loud voice has not been a thing she had experienced. I like to keep things this way for the most part.

Pelagia won’t agree with Amanda if they were to discuss and dissect my voice tone. Pelagia has seen me in my most vulnerable state and she thinks I’m not all that nice or calm. Thanks to see finish 😁. Pelagia has a perspective that’s also true – the perspective that confirms that I can be loud and stern.

Now to Teddy. Teddy believes I’m the best things since sliced bread and not just my voice but my entire being. I can do no wrong. Of course this is not true. I’m capable of wrong like anyone else. But Teddy is kind and generous. I think he’s the closest to Jesus or Buddha that I know of. Little wonder he sees me the way he does. To him, I’m just a reflection of himself.

These three relationships have drawn conclusions and parallels of me. Their perceptions and truths are cemented by some facts and mostly assumptions. None of them is wrong and none is absolutely true.

It was my mentor several years ago that first revealed to me how absolute statements and conclusions are largely false and lies.

1. We see things as we are. Years of programming and conditioning can make one word or action mean different things to different people. Maybe the action is not the problem but our own thinking and worldview, our interpretation.

Maybe we can be free of negative energy when we accept that we are flawed humans and also strangers in other people’s story.

2. Peace is first achieved within before we can have respite without.

We first must make love to our own self, and embrace our own inner demons before we can allow others outside us feel our embrace or see our light.

3. We must approach the table with an empty head, one void of notions, opinions and preconceptions. This is very difficult and I’m mostly guilty.

We must come to the table hungry and without judgements. We must come first for understanding and then to be understood.

4. We must make peace with the idea that we are a piece of a puzzle and not the entire picture.

We must never think of the world as something that must align with us rather as something we should allow to flow through us because individually, we’re never that important.

What will happen if we don’t heal our trauma and allow the principles shared above flow through us?

1. We will be miserable. So when you find yourself judging a situation and getting worked up. Think about a similar situation where you also have fallen short, a flaw in yourself that’s similar to the one you’re judging. That realigned perspective and shared humanity can help us with a better worldview that won’t make us lose our peace. This is new knowledge for me as well. I’ll be putting it into practice with Pelagia.

2. We will bleed on those who didn’t cut us. The real work is in us. The onus to have as broad perspective as possible is on us. Life is what it is. We must take responsibility to heal our trauma and remove the things that skew our vision. I’m such a huge advocate for therapy. We must get help because the problem isn’t what is before us, the problem is how we see what is before us.

3. We will project our own demons. Fear is a strong emotion. It is as strong as love. On social media, I stumbled on the story of Motara. A lady who once shared about how her mother hawked in the streets to feed her and her sibling after their father left them. She was a little girl at the time. Fast forward several years later, fortune had changed for her and she’s now well off. She was driving within an elite neighbourhood in Lagos and was approached by a poor little girl who was begging. Motara had a drink in her hand, and rather than help the hungry girl, she taunted her with the drink she’s holding, made fun of her while recording the whole show of shame. She later went ahead to post the video on social media.

After the backlash, she came back to twitter to apologise. The question many are asking is, “how can she forget so soon where she also came from?” People expected Motara to have and show empathy to the poor girl that was a mirror reflection of herself just some years prior.

I’ll say, no she did not forget. She saw herself and remembered her own history even if for a split second in that moment. Because she hadn’t healed from her trauma, she project her own demons in a bit to quickly relive her childhood trauma through the poor little girl. She still saw herself on the street and as that poor girl. Cognitive dissonance played a fast one on her. The fact that it was funny at the time to Motara is proof positive that fear ruled her emotions in that moment not love. Fear of her past and possibly her future. The inside work for Motara hasn’t been done yet.